Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

Students open up about their experiences

Haley Wernz, Reporter
March 11, 2020

     Every February, people across the United States come together in support for teens who have suffered abuse for Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. 

     “It’s so important for teens to be able to recognize the warning signs, both in their own relationships and with friends’ relationships,” an anonymous junior said. “It’s also important to be able to look for different types of abuse, treat abuse victims with care, and recognize that abuse can happen to anyone.”

The Statistics

 Roughly 33% of all American adolescents (ages 10 through 19) have experienced sexual, verbal, physical, and emotional dating abuse, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. This number includes male victims, who are commonly ignored in the conversation about sexual assault. 

 Male celebrities who’ve come out about their sexual abuse stories include Terry Crews (known for Brooklynn Nine-Nine), who was ridiculed for his story after he came out; the television personality Wendy Williams going as far as saying he will “suffer” in Hollywood for it. Roughly 1 in 71 men have been either raped or almost raped in their lifetimes, according to the Center for Disease Control.

     “I know so many guys who denied that they were abused because they didn’t think men could be abused, but anyone can be a victim,” an anonymous junior said. “I’m a male victim myself. Bringing awareness to all these topics is so crucial.”

 In 2014, it was reported 18% of American teenage girls and 3% of boys say that by age 17 they have been sexually assaulted by another teenager, according to a national study done by the Journal of Adolescent Health. Anyone can be abused, and anyone can be an abuser. In any case, the victim is never at fault.

What Are The Signs?

Mental Abuse

  “Gaslighting was the biggest thing for me,” an anonymous senior said. “He would always try to psych me out and make me feel like I was in the wrong over the smallest things. I’d want to go out with my friends or something, and he’d blow up like ‘so you don’t care about me?’ When did I say that? Where did I say that?”

       In basic terms, gaslighting is when someone psychologically manipulates you into believing something other than the truth so they can make you question your own reality. It is a dangerous, abusive technique to manipulate and control someone.  Someone who is trying to gaslight you might tell you flat out lies that you know aren’t true, and then treat you like you’re crazy for believing them. Then, they may deny everything if you have proof that whatever they said was false. Some common phrases you might hear from a gaslighter might be:

  • “Don’t be so sensitive!”
  • “I was just kidding!”
  • “You’re overreacting.”
  • “Oh, so I’m the problem here?”
  • “You are so ungrateful.”

 “When your partner restricts what you do, who you speak to, etc. [that’s] probably the biggest [red flag]. Your partner cutting you off from your friends so you’re only ever around them is also a huge one. Anything where they treat you more like property than a fellow human,” an anonymous junior said. “It’s difficult to try and rank the absolute worst thing because obviously it was all awful, but for me, I think it was the feeling of relying on that person. I felt like I was trapped because I felt like I relied on him, and like I needed him so I couldn’t leave.

     Of course, context is important to determine if you’re being gaslighted or mentally/emotionally abused or not. Not every argument can be tied back to abuse; you need to be able to figure that out yourself in your own situations. But, how can you be sure? 

 You might want to reevaluate your relationship if you can resonate with the following list:

  • You don’t feel like the same person you used to be since you’ve been with your partner
  • You think it’s your fault when there’s an argument, and your partner agrees with you
  • You feel disconnected from friends and family
  • Always making excuses for your partner’s behavior
  • Wondering if you’re the problem (“Did he cheat on me because I talk too much?”)
  • Your partner twists your words, and you believe whatever they tell you
  • Wondering if you’re good enough
  • Your partner belittles you or insults you
  • Your partner threatens to hurt themselves if they don’t get their way

 Stalking is also a big part of mental abuse. One in six women (one in 19 men) have experienced stalking by an intimate partner within their lifetimes, according to the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI). In these cases, the victims feared that either they or someone close to them would be harmed or even killed. Stalking isn’t necessarily watching someone; it can range from constant phone calls, tracking through GPS devices, planting listening devices, and showing up at the person’s work or home.

 “I always thought I wasn’t good enough,” an anonymous sophomore said. “She made me feel like [crap] and I thought that she had every right to. I was always wrong, I was always the stupid one. Never her.”

Physical Abuse

     “Physical abuse is taken far more seriously,” an anonymous junior said. “When I opened up about my sexual abuse in my relationship, nobody really believed me; I lost so many friends over it. Generally, people have taken me more seriously when I open up about physical abuse.”

 Nearly 20 people are physically abused by their intimate partner per minute, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). This adds up to 10 million men and women per year, which accounts for 15% of all violent crime. 

 Physical abuse can range from intentional slapping, shoving, and pinching to more extreme forms such as choking, kicking, or punching. 

      “My ex used to beat me sometimes,” an anonymous senior said. “Since we didn’t live together it wasn’t often but it still happened. He’d always be like ‘I’m so sorry, it’ll never happen again,’ and I’d believe him. But we’d go hang out or something and I’d do one thing wrong and he’d hit me when we were alone and I would just take it. People wonder why I flinch when they raise their hands or move them too fast, and that’s why.”

Sexual Abuse

 Sexual violence can range from sexual assault, sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and rape. Your partner flushing your birth control or refusing to use a condom is sexual abuse. Someone can be sexually abused by their intimate partner, a family member, a friend, or even a stranger. However, most cases of sexual abuse are committed by someone the victim knows, according to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN).

     The rates of sexual abuse have gone down roughly 50% since 1993, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics (these are reported cases of sexual abuse). 66% of all sexual abuse victims are between the ages of 12-16, according to RAINN.

     “I struggle with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) because of the abuse. It’s an ongoing struggle, and it does continue to affect my day to day life. It also affects the way I’m able to interact with my partner now,” an anonymous junior said. “Even though my current partner displays no abusive behaviors, I still almost expect them because they were something I had to expect for so long. It’s caused so many irrational fears that I still live with, and flashbacks and nightmares.”

Roughly one out of every three women (and one out of every four men) have experienced sexual violence during their lifetimes, according to the Center for Disease Control (CDC). One in every five women (one out every 38 men; however, one out of 14 have been forced to completely or attempt to penetrate someone in their lifetimes) have experienced complete or attempted rape in their lifetimes. Rape can range from forcing yourself onto a victim, having sex with someone who isn’t in the right mental state to consent (drunk, high, etc), to pressuring your victim into agreeing to sex. Anything sexual that comes from consent that isn’t a definite, 100% yes is rape.

 “Sex was a constant thing,” an anonymous senior said. “If he wanted it, he wanted it now. Didn’t matter if I didn’t want to, he’d beg for it until I just gave in. I always felt so dirty afterward, like I wasn’t an actual person he was [having sex with]; he treated it like he was masturbating. It didn’t even feel like he cared about me, just my body.”

 

How Do You Get Out?

      “There are a lot of reasons why someone would stay in their abusive relationship since you’re not the one in control of yourself anymore,” an anonymous sophomore said. “The whole point of abuse is power and control over someone. You don’t make the decisions anymore; they do. People don’t get that.”

 It’s normal to be hesitant before getting out of an abusive relationship; it’s normal to feel guilty or like you’re making a mistake, but you need to get over that and push through. Someone would not want to leave their abuser because they’ve been manipulated into feeling like that. Whether it be because they love them, fear them, or even are ashamed, they feel like they can’t get help. 

 Some people even stay in their relationships out of fear of being outed for something, like being LGBT. Abusers can use any secret you’ve told them to make you feel vulnerable. If you can, you should try to talk to someone you trust (a friend, an adult, a parent, etc) about your situation. 

     “Seek help and leave as soon as you can,” an anonymous junior said. “Keeping things to yourself, bottling things up, it only makes it worse. The longer you stay, the harder it is to get out. Find ways to keep yourself safe when you are able to leave, like having friends keep an eye on you and checking in with you frequently.”

 If you feel like you can’t tell anyone you know face-to-face about your abuse, there are many free (and confidential) resources and hotlines online you can talk to, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or RAINN’s hotline and online chat. There are even informational resources from organizations such as Planned Parenthood, Love Is Respect, or Break The Cycle. There are even places you can go to receive help in the area (especially if you need to escape your situation to a shelter), such as:

 “Having a support system makes leaving so much easier, and less scary,” an anonymous junior said. “Try and find ways to build yourself up, too, because abuse is all about tearing someone down.”

 Roughly 230 out of every 10,000 sexual assaults are reported to the proper authorities, according to RAINN. Out of the sexual abuse cases reported to the authorities in 2005-2010, only 28% did it to protect themselves or their households. However, out of the sexual assaults not reported in that 5 year time period, 20% feared their abuser would find out and harm them. 

What Can You Do To Stay Safe?

 “I’ve finally gotten to know how a healthy relationship feels; I don’t feel afraid of my partner anymore, and I don’t feel trapped,” an anonymous junior said. “Finding the courage and self-worth to leave was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. ”

 You have the right to be protected from all forms of abuse and in most states, abuse is a crime. You can get protection from your school (if you aren’t comfortable going to court or telling the authorities) under a country-wide law called Title IX, which is a law that protects students from sexual discrimination on federally-funded campuses. However, for minors, some states require a parent or guardian’s involvement to get legal help in a domestic abuse case. 

 In some cases, you might want to look into getting a protection order (which is also known as a restraining order), if you feel especially unsafe. A protection order makes it so that your abuser can’t legally get near you or face criminal penalties such as jail time. 

 Though protection orders vary from state-to-state, the general idea is that the victim is protected from having to come in contact with their abuser. Minors may want to add other special clauses to their orders, whether they are related to school, social media contact, or delete any sexual images or comments from their phones and social media.

 “Getting out was probably the best thing I could’ve done but it also was the hardest,” an anonymous senior said. “I felt like a new person but I didn’t like it at first. I felt vulnerable and like I did something wrong, but I also knew I didn’t. It was surreal.”