How to: Pass a Class by//Julia Campisano

So often we find ourselves receiving a report card or midterm with the dreaded ‘F’ written in red pen on a class grade. Although you may be failing, here are some of my sarcastic tips and tricks to turn your life around and pass the class. You have to be committed and make sure to follow these steps if you want to be able to pass without a Christmas miracle.

Step 1. Once you receive your ‘F’ realize that you have a problem, and might need an intervention. Show your grade to your parents, that way, after you get into huge trouble you’ll be a little more motivated to try to improve. (Also they might take your phone so just throw it away before you confront them.)

Step 2. After you’ve received your eternal grounding, bust out the books. Just look at them. You don’t even have to actually read anything (Who does that anymore?) and that way when you get asked if you even opened the book you can say you did for hours.

Step 3. Beg your teacher for extra credit. Especially if they already said that they will not be giving it out. They love that and will definitely change their mind just for you! I mean I’m sure you’re their favorite student, why wouldn’t they give it to you?

Step 4. Finally get organized, clean out your backpack and locker, find all of your lost assignments, do half the problems and then turn it in. That way at least you’ll get a little more credit. Even if it was due first semester, that’ll show you worked just a really long time on the assignment and wanted it to be perfect before you gave it to your teacher.

Step 5. Pay off somebody to do your hardest homework assignments. But only if you’re seriously struggling with the assignment. Money is important for teens, more important than grades anyways.

Step 6. Come up with a cheat system for tests with your other failing friends and a nerd so that you’re sure to do a lot better in the class. Make sure it’s top secret and not super obvious. Pencil taps and hand signals are too visible and loud. Other students will snitch if the teacher doesn’t catch you, so you have to make sure nobody else knows about the top secret mission to success.

Step 7. Beg and cry to your teacher the week before report cards come out so that they will make up fake assignments to help bump up your grade. But this will only work if you’re actually on your knees in prayer begging and crying to the point it’s almost pitiful. When they still say no just cry and come up with an excuse about family issues or drama that’s keeping you from excelling in school. The guilt trip always works with teachers.

Step 8. Wait and hope that all of your hard work has paid off.

Step 9. Celebrate when you get your report card back and you brought your ‘F’ up to a C-. There’s no way these steps could lead you wrong, It’s just pure science. There won’t be a failure as long as you follow my directions to a ‘T’. Happy Passing!

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