Other countries should give America the celebration it deserves

By Madisyn Zipper 

As the worldwide holiday of Thanksgiving approaches, America continues to be under-appreciated for its significance on this planet.

In all honesty, America sets the stage for all countries: we’re their role models. This fact proves why other countries not spending the day in remembrance of our creation is offensive, and unforgivable. I actually take extreme pity on our neighbors because of their lack of such a beautiful holiday. Thanksgiving is a time where it is not shameful to eat huge quantities of fatty foods in front of boring family members who hate one another. It’s the time of year where anyone can punch a person in the face for a reduced price on a flat screen TV. (Usually the fifth one in the house).

Wake up, Canada. We have much more than good maple syrup. America can fry anything. Pickles, candy bars, butter. Name it- we’ve probably fried it. Not to mention we are the home of the Luther Burger (donut hamburger). Michelle Obama is happy with that one.

Face it, Russia, we aren’t as smart, but while everyone’s at school over there we’re at home watching enough New Girl on Netflix to teach us how to get over a tough breakup. A little bit of The Walking Dead, throw in Bob’s Burgers, and we know how to combat zombies while owning a failing burger joint.

Alright, Iceland: the healthiest country according to HowStuffWorks. We definitely aren’t greatest at being healthy, but we know a thing or two about indulging ourselves. How does that gluten free diet sound after hearing about our donut hamburgers?

So, England, I have just one question: where would the British acne-faced seventeen-year-old heartthrobs be in life without American teenage girls? Basically, without us, England would be home to unformed boy bands with no brains and nice hair. Other countries and their failure to acknowledge America’s achievements are literally so offensive.