Last year, I wrote a story for the print edition of New Albany’s newspaper, The Blotter, that was a How To about getting boys to leave you alone. I received a lot of positive feedback, and decided this year to create this weekly column to help spread my lessons of life across the web. For those of you who know me in person, you can probably understand where all the sarcasm is coming from, but for those of you who don’t, read my column weekly and you’ll soon understand.

Note: This column is purely sarcasm unless otherwise stated. I do not recommend writing an essay like this and turning it in for a grade.

Step 1. Make sure to wait until the very last possible minute before beginning to start your paper. The more stressed the better you’ll perform under the pressure.

Step 2. When you actually begin writing, make sure to use long words, even if you don’t know them. The context doesn’t matter, just as long as it sounds like you know what you’re talking about.

Step 3. If you find you can’t quite reach the page limit, try increasing the size of the font to 72. This way, you will probably only have to write a few sentences to reach your limit.

Step 4. You can also increase the size of the periods and commas so that they take up more room in your essay.

Step 5. Make sure to add random bits of information that don’t correlate to the topic at all. Your teacher isn’t going to read the entire thing anyways, so using that as filler text is your best bet for making your essay longer.

Step 6. If you get too stressed, just take a nap. I mean, it’s too late for you at this point anyways right?

Step 7. Cry about it. Because that always solves your problems.

Step 8. At this point if you still haven’t completed your essay you really should just give up. High school isn’t that important, and your grades don’t define you. Eat the rest of your problems away for the day and then just forget about it. What’s another 300 points lost?